You between my sheets

Around and Around and Around

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 02:35:25 GMT

I am proud of where i have come to be.
I am proud of my tangled webs, my quick escapes and my long over do stays.
I am proud of the people i've met, the people i've yet to meet.
It's been a while, a while, a while
but i found where i was hiding
and i poked at my sides
i kicked at my feet and plucked open my eyes.
Goodmorning Jessie Rene
i've been searching for you.

Yout Don't Care A Bit.

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 12:22:57 GMT

every morning i feel like taking out my insides
every night i feel like fleeing the scene.
every mid day i stop and take it all in
this is it.
this is all we'll ever have.

fuck everything,
fuck false promises
fuck forever
fuck knowing what life's got for you
fuck the future the past the present.
fuck selfish people and what they think they know.
fuck rumors and jealous fits of rage
you think you know say it some more.
fuck the infinate of everything
those late nights, falling asleep on your bare chest
knowing every inch of you and the look in your eyes.
fuck forever and everything you said.
fuck never being enough for anyone, for fleeing for staying.
for begging for crying for throwing for yelling and whispering.
for playing mind games for being played. for the unknown.

i want to run from this place.
plant myself where nobody knows.
where noone has had a piece of me.
where the local coffee shop wont ask questions
where someone will sit by my side and just know.
i'd flee so fast if only
if only something wasn't holding me back,
and something is,
and i don't know what it is, and i don't know why
but i want to stay and find it out.
don't be surprised if you hear even less from me.
i'm sick.
you can come get me.

this is it.
this is all.
this is all i'll ever have.

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 03:15:17 GMT

I'm better off alone.
My fate: The same as this guys:

or hers;

most likley more like hers

One Year and A Half

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 03:15:12 GMT

Get off my back.
I told you to lose it, lose it.
You made this choice. You have to live with it.
I'm fucking moving on. No. I moved on.
I deserve better than all that.
I've grown up, I've realized and I'm happy.
Leave me alone.

Change

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 12:55:09 GMT

I need a Ricky Fitts to my Jane Burnham
A Joel to my Clementine.
Someone who'll bring me to Borders and sit on the floor reading a book while drinking coffee.
Someone who brings themself closer to god each day (cigaretts)
Someone who tells me something and means it.

It's funny my wall is higher than the eiffel tower
My heart is armored like a Spartan warrior.
And yet I'm ready to let somebody in.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 22:44:18 GMT

What life threw at me today;

Jess,
Sorry I haven't gotten back to you but I am also sorry to say that i would like for you to stop contacting me.

(it's funny, how things change.
Goodbye.)

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 00:01:38 GMT

From Friday April 20th to Wednesday April 25th I basically disappeared.
From Friday April 20th to Wednesday April 25th not one person bothered to call.
To reach me. To see how I was. Where I was. If anything happened.
Aside from my boy who I was with. His family and my family also aside.
Nobody knew where I was.
Funny.
I've come to the conclusion if I shall fall straight off the edge of the Earth,
nobody would bother to call. To reach me. To see how I was. Where I was. If anything happened.
It's a comforting fact to know, that I can simply slip away from this area of the world.
And not a sole would realize. Not a sole would recognize.
It makes any shred of doubt in my mind wither up and fly away.
Because know I know.
Really, nobody will miss me.
Comfort, Strength and Forgiveness.

Rest In Peace.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 01:29:20 GMT

big changes are being made.
they are coming about at a snails pace.
but they are coming about.

it's mind boggeling
how things simply go on.
once one passes away.
Rest In Peace.

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 10:42:48 GMT

i'm going to break free of this town.
And when i go nobody will notice.
I am going to drop myself off somewhere i can be new.
I can give myself an accent, I can give myself history.
I can keep everything the same and become a mystery.
And when I leave I wont take a second look at this city
Its dim lights from across the way. Its empty promises.
I will pack my bags. I will hold tight to my mans hand.
And I will run. I will drive until the tank needs a refreshment
Until I have to stretch my legs and plant them somewhere else
A town with a well fit name, where I know I'll make it big.
Where I know nothing will harm me.
I've got my bags packed, I've got my mans hand in mine.
I'm ready for the sirens.

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 00:16:56 GMT

Today at the dinner table my dad told me that I look really lonely.
Truth is. I am really lonely.

The painting in my mind

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 01:39:47 GMT

I want to know when Frontier High School decided to care about Genocide in Africa.
I also want to know how they expect us to help it, when they consider us to to be
heroin junkies. In another month half of the people who cried during the document,
half of the people who are all supporting and donating time or money, will be off
back into their own world. Don't get me wrong, yes i feel for those kids, those
people, those innocent lives, but how is one suppose to save another if one cannot
save themselves or their own society first. America.

I want to know when it was I strongly knew where I was headed in my life. It's
finally paying off. I've always wanted to be successful in my dreams, goals,
hopes. I've lost people along he way. I haven't stranded. I've lost. I've waited.
They turned around and retreated back to the sanctuary of what they knew. I'm
moving ahead.

I want to know when it comes the point where you don't love your significant other
anymore. You simply, exsist with eachother. Lost love just exsist. Why feelings are
fleeting, why curiosty prevails, why we try so hard to just to knock it all down

I want to know why you stop a bond with an ex loved one. Why though it has stopped,
why though you don't get along, why you claim you hate the other, why you still
love eachother. Not love. Have love. Yes, why you have love for one. Love and have
love same line opposite ends.

I want to know why the beauty in the world is so clearly passed over in this
generation. It's covered by glamour, by coutour, by big sunglasses, big hair,
painted on faces ready for the rouge. By fashions of the scene. Why a plastic
bag dancing in the wind is not looked upon more closley. Why the roadkill on
the shoulder is swirved around. Why the sunset is just something blinding,
not something of beauty. Why cold weather is a chore and hot weather is a
blunder.

I want peace. Piece of mind, heart and body.
I want calm. From sounds and sirens.

Above all I want hope.
This time it's nothing about the past.

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Said by me somewhere around 2.30 am Sunday February 25th, 2007.

"If everyone was a little tipsy, the world would be a better place. But, only if everyone was a happy drunk, because happy drunks are happy and think about it, happiness would not have a war in iraq, or sheltered feelings. It would not have lost hopes or break ups or anything else that would bring you down. When you're drunk you are worring about nothing except what damn drink you'll be sipping next."

Given the circumstance the room i was standing in was spinning at that point, i think i stumbled upon a damn good reselution.

viva.

Hold Ya Head

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 16:22:42 GMT

I have my life.
I have my morals, my disipline, my dreams.
I know who I am.
I have my attitude, my personality, my fashion.

Those who've stuck by my side mean more than life to me.
The ones who've forgotten never wanted to stay in my life in the first place.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 01:02:27 GMT

Congragulations

Ps.

I'll be waiting

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 21:15:38 GMT

you're pegged for destruction in this subject.
though i give you my best in this chapter.

She would have been a legend with or without that goddamn song.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 22:57:43 GMT

I find it more and more
that i become like a hermit crab
and keep to myself when the world comes my way.
At least the highscool world.
6 months. That thought is the only thing keeping me going.
I will not miss one person when i leave highscool.
And do not give me the "you're saying that now Jess, but
when the time comes that you're in the "real world" you'll
look back and want to be in highschool." Tell me one reason,
one reason why I will look back and want to be a highschooler
again, drama, drugs, car crashes, backstabbers, shit talkers,
people that shun you because you aren't "Hollister, Abercrombie
perfect" people who throw their relationships away when they have
someone within close distance of them, who would give them the world
yet they trow them away like a used condom. Tell me one reason why
I want to place myself back in a school with heroin addicts where the
cool thing to do is to get fucked up at the latest party. Give me a damn
good reason why I want to place myself in an endless cycle learning economics
and doing sensless papers on how I can relate to Irene Gut Opdyke, a girl
who survived the Holocoust. Where little 14 year old girls claim to be bi
and 14 year old boys claim to be gay. Where all it is is sex talk and the latest
mourning report, look who's made the news again.

I am ready for the "Real World"
I am ready for it to chew me up and spit me back out.
I am ready to start from the bottom work my way up be knocked down and climb back up again.
I am ready for my own place, my own beliefs.
I am ready to meet people who will close their mouths when i'm talking,
because they are genuenly interested. Who can hold a conversation with me.
I am ready to be in the industry where my "roadkill hair and make-up" are looked
upon as beautiful.
I am ready to live up to what I have struggled so god damn hard for.
And nobody can take that away from me.

I'm letting you go.

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 00:06:49 GMT

I'm not afraid to go out there.
You know,
to face the "real world"
I'm not afraid to step out there.
You know,
make life my own.
I'm happy with where I am
and what it took for me to get here.
And I'm sorry for the ones i hurt,
the ones i let go, the ones that let me go.
I'm not sorry that I've been so close to
being taken away twice. Every six years.
I'm not sorry because I know I'm here for
so much more than i can dream of.
"he's reminding me i'm here for a greater purpose,
keeping me in line, making sure i know not to take
this for granted."
Somehow, i'm beginning to realize that everything will
be alright. And I've drifted from those certain people
for a reason, I've pushed away others for a greater reason
than they'll accept to see. Someday, you'll see.

look who's crying now

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 01:23:18 GMT

i'm writing this one for you

Who needs who the worst

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 23:59:06 GMT

i find that i'm not as blocked from your world
as you had led me (or yourself) to believe.

This is passion
This is denial
This is everything at its worst
Imposing its best

Everyone you meet has a purpose

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 03:59:31 GMT

boy just gets done telling me he has to pay back his bail fee
from getting out of jail. we just get done having small talk
he buys his item his friend gives him a full discount card, i
can't use it because i already did the sale:

boy: if i return it can i buy it again with the discount card?
me: :laughs: no
boy: please, i need all the money i can get me and my friend
are going out tonight, i need money to buy drinks
me: :slightly laughs: no i'm sorry if you exchange it you can though
boy: oh, that's ok, now i just have less money for drinks, you're
probably saving my life right now.

So to this boy who towers over me, with scene hair and
darkened make-up but surprisingly holds it all together
very well, be careful tonight i wouldn't want what you
said to be untrue.

Play dead dear, it's your only hope of pulling through.

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:01:04 GMT

it's time again for one of those things where you write
about different people, not stating the name. relaxing i guess.

i never thought I'd stop caring for you.
that ended the day you never met me at the concert like you said you would.

i never thought I'd stop reading your apology letter.
that stopped the night you blocked me from your world.

i never thought I'd ever honestly love someone.
that ended the evening you held me closer than anyone ever has before

i never thought I had a genuine friend
that stopped when i broke down in your living room
you listened and replied and we've never spoken about it since
i can't thank you enough for never talking about it again.

everyone is saying how afraid they are of college
i'm thinking that it's a fresh start, new people,
new friends, new opportunities. i'm scared to death
but slightly relieved that i know that my life is
amounting to something, slowly but surely.

ps. Happy belated hell.o.ween
and yay for dressing up for work

You can have the kingdom

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 23:08:42 GMT

"you're an overdramatic actor
well
i'm not impressed"

i don't know anyone that will honestly read this

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 03:31:17 GMT

i want to write a book.
i want to write a worthwhile song.
i want Frank Warren to post my damn secret about you.
i want to spend the day at the library.
i want to spend the day at the park.
i want to drive 16.18 miles from here buffalo bound to see your face.
i want to be older and live in my apartment.
i want to stock my cabinets with ramen soup and pineapple in a can.
i want to stock my fridge with cold green tea pomegranate juice and bread.
i want to pretend i've had a best friend all my life.
i want to pretend i remember childhood.
i want to sit in star bucks all day long in the only comfy chair they have.
i want to read a book beginning to end not stopping for anything.

i listen to chopin and beethoven.
i listen to justin timberlake and kanye west.
i listen to norma jean and underoath.
i listen to the sounds and she wants revenge.
i listen to pinback and oasis.
i listen to bright eyes and the tiny.

i read books you find weird.
about mothers letting their son live with the shrink.
about people trapped in this house killing themselves for freedom.
about a girl trapped in a revovling world she's lived a thousand tiems before.
about beauty queens becoming ugly ducklings.

i've had 4 best friends.
that's a lie.
i've had four close friends.
that's a lie.
every friend i've had
we've drifted.
it's cool though.

i'm content with how i am.
who i've become.
how i dress. how i act. how i carry myself.
key words are:
i am content

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 22:09:54 GMT

going through old pictures made me laugh
at myself and the many changes i've made.
this isn't even half of it:

mm.
well i went for a catscan today.
i guess the dr. will be calling me
to tell me if i havea bleed on my
brain or not. keep your fingers crossed
kids. ha.

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 13:34:38 GMT

Sometimes it's more than a gut feeling
that i don't belong here. I don't fit
in here. I'm destined for something
greater.